1. |
||||
your fingers are in mine
you’ve decided it’s time
been pretending it’s an accident
for hours
again pulling away
push my eyes to stay
on the youtube screen, the silly things
for hours
but now you’re holding tighter
your nose is sitting closer
it’s somehow gotten to be 5am
am i shaking? think i’m shaking
weird beginnings
you kissed me
tactfully
beneath the eye
and to the side
you laid back, held onto me, and went to sleep
what is this
|
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2. |
burpee
02:13
|
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baby's breath is an awful name for a flower
smells like vomit and the wrong kind of hot and sour
and on a good day its okay
but when the hell
did one of those happen last
whatever its not about the flower
and it's not about the babies
it's not about the nine-inch aphids
or the 8 limbed rabid blacklist scabies
though you should keep those of your babies probably
cuz they'll get in their knees
do whatever they please
it's possible i'm taking you a weird direction
right this way sir, mind the cat, he spits
he spits a lot
look out this window don't look at me please
and i'll tell you why i keep up breathing
it's for chasing squirrels and chasing geese
and i wish there were magnolia trees here
wish i had the strength of skin to finish up a thought i'm flailing around in
i'm usually thinking about you by the way
and did you know i kind of like you by the way
oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit
it's not about the flower and it's not about the babies
no one gives a fuck for aphids but they do about the scabies
i'd give a fuck too if i had the space
or a bit of consent stripped off of god's good grace
but it's all about chasing squirrels and chasing geese
and i wish there were magnolia trees here
mothefucker get your eyes back out the window
or i'll put them out myself
with the back claws off that cat
wish i had the strength of skin to finish up a thought i'm flailing around in
|
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3. |
||||
present him thine rib that he might craft thee a lady
the price just isn’t right, this transaction looks shady to me
i myself have cracked a rib, see, doing somersaults on a trampoline
no godsend of a soulmate flowed from the marrow like a genie
but i remember how breathing hurt, how i buckled over
and that’s the start of the right track
adam, pops, that’s how you’ll feel her first
after i fell for this one
felt the ocean in my blood take a new tide
my fullness pulled, remagnetized
you’ll know it when your vessels threaten
retaliatory exsanguination
for resisting the ride
listen to your insides
might not have had a pelvis for weeks
in the pillow i find buried my teeth, i breathe
by mysterious means, found my lungs clung, heaving
around his name written clumsily in ink
let’s not pretend he’s ever seen me with a head
even once situated in each other’s arms i’m braindead
it’s a state of being, it’s me, hello
with open arms, i’m beating, exposed
already pulled all the ribs apart
all i know how to do is show off my pretty blue heart
after i fell for this one
felt a fire in the space behind my eyes
shrieking phoenix, life revised
you’ll know it when your muscles hasten
to make a swift and shredding exit
to take to the skies
the old self dies
adam
think we must confront a disturbing fallacy
that the substance of our being isn’t currency
though i empathize for wanting to give viscerally
the people we love might possibly
need more from us than hurting
there might be more to love than hurting
|
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4. |
sleepy geese
01:49
|
|||
maybe now we’ll dream about each other at the same time
hands held unconscious and breath on neck, exposed spines
sleep, my goose
sleep, my goose
very soon i’ll blink, we’re not back at the same time
i’ll look at you and wonder how anything’s this right
breathe, my goose
sleep my goose
i miss your voice your thoughts your hands your rants
wake up soon, god, boy you’re going by too fast
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5. |
||||
pull out of bed
to excessively butter bread
we will never be dead
you’re meticulous
far and near focused
so ridiculous
you press go and lean back
your chuckle makes my frown crack
i laugh at the name spumwack
is it alright that
you’re all that’s ever made it better
|
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6. |
3 bears
00:56
|
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3 bears waddle like they’re merry - o
none of em little and all of em slow
sleeves over heart and mind on toe
nobody worries bout where they’ll go
i want to see you on a day i haven’t done a thing
to fill your eyes with a resenting filagree
isn’t it the right time to be a woods bear
with fir and pine fighting off the sun glare
but somebody’s gotta feel it when it hits
and you know i wear a matador’s scarf on my lips
i love this shit
spent up by the pleasantry of bees
there’s nothing left of me
i’m just three bears
|
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7. |
B
01:43
|
|||
red water and all
the beetlies in the world snuggle
our swallowed goodbyes
you fill the blue skies
the grey ones too billow you away
baby, do you even know anything about nothing at all
baby, mark your height in chalk on the wall
you’re just a few minutes tall
|
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8. |
i am evil
02:38
|
|||
oo la la, are you scared yet boy
ran a sample of my lining that explains why
i think i make a good wife-type
run for your life
why you look so squeamish in your insides
don’t you know all i want’s your whole life
buck up you victim of an arrow fall
don’t you know loving unconditionally is all there is
there is an open box inside my heart
where i keep letter openers and poison darts
for playing with suicide
oo la la
why you look so squeamish in your insides
don’t you know all i want’s your whole life
buck up you victim of an arrow fall
don’t you know you’re all there is
|
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9. |
blah-dee lala
01:11
|
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now that’s a blankness
that’s a prospect, isn’t it
blinkwise its more or less sunny side
bum wit says it’s a dim lit inklet
of something
of blah dee lala something
it’s nothing
if i can’t show you
|
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10. |
in boyh omsrn
02:58
|
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forgot to tell you
forgot to say
but you will be as you will be
while i recede and fade away
like sleeping or dissolving
i don’t think anyone knows
how low the axe came in may
the frailty of mother and sons
is all that kept it at bay
baybay,
what a weird name
i’d never say it to your face
what god pray might slip out then
if ever your face was close to mine again
i’d say you’re plenty a reason to tear my walls down
and i need both of your hands on my spine right now
you ate drugged ketchup
in my dream
don’t know you well as i’d prefer
cuz you chased it down with gasoline
but i think that’s what you were going for
my left arm turned on
a few days ago
being living ambidextrously
but got some glass in a toe
so also kinda wobbly
bleak belief,
what’s in a vein
slurring words around your name
if a power’s horses and all it’s men
got you here, the hell’d i say to you then
i’d say you’re plenty a reason to tear my walls down
and i need both of your hands on my spine right now
come back for sips and have a go
at opinions on the holy ghost
someday i’m gonna be a ghost too
not good as, but sooner than you
and i’m not really sure but i think a wall’s down
can i have both of my hands on your spine right now
|
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11. |
drunk nachos
00:28
|
|||
do you think we'd be alright if we made drunk nachos?
i think we'd be alright if we made drunk nachos.
|
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12. |
ily sahtfi aw
01:45
|
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on the morning after finding out you weren’t only seeing me
scraped the wine’s love off my tongue and made the last of your coffee
can’t move can’t breathe broken wide
can’t stop thinking about the sweetness of her voice and eyes
don’t know what i want
i love you still and how this feels i always will
i said i’m not your dog i’m not your doll
but i’m still panting when you call
else cross-legged on a shelf side your other barbies
know what i’d want if you said anything at all
god i want it all
i love you still and how this feels i always will
on the morning after finding out that you wouldn’t stay with me
scraped the wine’s love off my tongue and made the last of your coffee
|
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13. |
mom
02:34
|
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self: uhm.. what's something really important that you've learned from mom?
gav: that bugs are bad?
self: bugs are not bad
gav: bugs?
self: bugs are great.
gav: is this being like, filmed or something?
self: dude try again
gav: okay
promised that i’d never get beat
but messed that up when i was seventeen
only said it to myself but still
wanna tell my mom that i’m sorry
gaige: she told me that -- not to aim a gun at someone when its loaded... and it doesn't matter -- doesn't matter if it's loaded or if it's on safety you never point a gun at someone.
then saw the way my brother’s dad cheats
and said, that’ll never happen to me
well i lunge better than i think or learn probably
self: don't get nervous!
jayden: i am nervous! i don't know what to say
self: no! it's okay
jayden: she's nice, she's caring, she loves us, she loves you, she loves everyone around us even though she's not related to most of the people
always thought i’d do better than this
so i’m sorry mom
just know that my brothers will be better this
don’t worry mom, my brothers will be better
self: what kind of person does she make you want to be when you grow up?
gaige: a good one
|
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14. |
when the white builds
01:39
|
|||
lily white intentions
bled like syrup of dandelion cuts
remember the meaning cuz no one else will
when the white builds
damp and benign
the lost, the life dismembered
hold it in bliss, you’ll miss feeling like this
note to self
|
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15. |
psalms 139
01:24
|
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8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
|
||||
16. |
the generic miss
01:32
|
|||
i miss you like it makes a difference
births constellations
nests a spot for us in heaven
like ghosts miss toes
my form mourns soul
since you went gone
it’s too easy to want
and i do
still want to move with you
in more ways than one
i miss you like it makes the world move
like it can change the truth
without violating you
and your wants
it’s too easy to want
and i do
i miss you
|
||||
17. |
muppet conscience
01:29
|
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18. |
goosey sleep
00:26
|
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19. |
bees fall off a cliff
01:54
|
|||
will you convert big dippers to armfuls, love
how many thank you’s can be enough
for your time on this weirdass planet
we are so fleeting
still convinced there’s sticky-footed mouses living in your ceiling
we are grappling
or i am, you're so weirdly secure
swear it’s like you’ve been here before
you’re the only ground i’ve not wanted to float away from
remind me that your lunar iris isn’t harmful
will you convert big dippers to armfuls
|
||||
20. |
lovelie limbo
01:19
|
|||
stop me if you don’t like how this sounds
but i think that you should tackle me now
snicker sweat and choke, the timing’s good
to tug on your hair and ask about your childhood
don’t close off i’m being genuine, hey
can we do more or less nothing today
|
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21. |
||||
22. |
laundry
01:12
|
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23. |
||||
i hesitate to pick the words that spell it out
why i’m irrepressibly in love with you
guess it feels irreverent, wrong. material.
easier to say i wish you were here, and i do.
and i know that you’d want me to stop sticking to these guns
you want other people and i need to move the fuck on
but fuck that.
maybe tomorrow
i think that for a while there i was miscarrying our kid
i don’t expect you to feel the same about it
but for me it was hell, this bloody thing half the person i love
telling me again and again for 16 days how dead it was
how dead it was
i’m sorry
i can see your car across the street
this is a sadistic proximity
when has my skeleton ever not suffocated blue
i can’t give you anything that you want, i just like you
i just like you
and i know that you’d want me to stop sticking to these guns
you want other people and i need to move the fuck on
but fuck that.
maybe tomorrow
|
||||
24. |
gosling
00:28
|
|||
25. |
||||
stab and stick me
take out the bits and we’ll split it
do me a solid in liquids
and spongey intermediates
did ever another offer their bodily tassels and baubles
to store away or display in dimly lit mason jars
i’ll dish out my navel, the biblically fabled, thrust skyward like
it’s gonna project the mother-mcfucking bat-sign
say, “here
this is where the shovels go
else peel it like an orange,
told you already it’s your job to steer
m’dear"
|
||||
26. |
skizzers
02:13
|
|||
we were standing on your porch and you were smoking
it was too dark to really see much
but like, you’ve like got this nose
and i don’t think you know it, but the way it connects to your mouth is
it’s perfect
but like
you were just this shadow with like, this nose and all that
and i was thinking, if i could like, stop time
pull out my scissors and cut out your shape
how no one else was ever gonna fit in that spot
it was just completely you
you’re the only one that can ever go there
i’ve got your smell on my mind and i’m losing it
why am i beside myself again
yeah i hoped we had plans, but i know you feel bad
makes me feel pretty bad too but i know you know
that i’d break my own heart in a padded room
so
i just found, by accident,
that note from when my brother was asleep
and we were passing the phone back and forth
and just, dude, where are you
can i be there again
can’t pull you back, you weren’t really happy i guess
but god i dunno
he’s not a bad person
he just, i dunno
he’s not very great at the life partner thing
like i make really bad pancakes
some things are just like that
y’know?
|
||||
27. |
||||
hey there’s that headstrong worm of a thought back in my head
home sweet home as it were and all of that
says psstt what if he is outside your door
sweating to say he doesn’t know anymore
why he ever doubted the feelings from before
he says, hey, do you think we can try this again
i know i smashed your heart-guts but you’re my best friend
and i say boy it was nothing but a silly thing
we awkwardly hug and the world doesn’t feel like spinning
worm, get out of my head, you’re a damn disease
elating me with pathetic cliche fantasies
says psst crows and pigeons will rise like doves
the unlikely underdogs mascot your love
gray and black feathers smatter the clouds above
and an entourage of the resurrected
trail behind us like we were expected
including coelacanths and george w. b.
hostess pies and the power puff girls on tv
worm, swear to god you don’t understand
how likely it is he’s with her again
or if not her then someone like us
says psstt wait soon he’ll be at your door
you won’t need me in your head anymore
you’ll laugh that you ever doubted me before
he says, hey, do you think we can try this again
i know i smashed your heart-guts but you’re my best friend
and i say boy it was nothing but a silly thing
we awkwardly hug and the world won’t feel like spinning
fucking worm. motherfucking worm.
i know you don’t mean any harm, but…
|
||||
28. |
daydream franticism
02:59
|
|||
i had a falling dream today
that no one could remember my name
no one knew my history or face
the terror withdrew
soon as i thought it’d include you
i appeared gasping at your door
trying to tell you what i’m for
we are all to blame
going steadily insane
still terrified of your eyes
how are they so goddamn light
cannot let myself lie
have got to do this right
say i’ve loved you for a year
and you do not want me here
i have never been your dear
i would not blame you
if you think that i’m insane
does this at all resonate
i’m going steadily insane
does it seem
that your feeling
anything about me
back to linoleum, fluorescent lights
i am burning in the white
the tears are feeding my feet
back to the reality
we are all to blame
going steadily insane
these bones they sound like fizzing
think i might not be here really
we are all to blame
going steadily insane
|
||||
29. |
||||
remember that book i read on your bed in early january
stopped over and over to catch you up on the story
was the one that had the aliens that lived in the fourth dimension
i read you the part bout how nobody cried when anyone died
because they’re still alive someplace else in time
so nobody cries when anyone dies
i try to draw you sometimes, it never comes out right
this isn’t what you look like
not a bit, and i couldn’t be happier about it
this isn’t what you look like
because i llke that you’re implacable, smoke through a net
you’re not made to be something for someone to get
so yeah i bitch about the losses and the happiness in ignorance
but the truth is, was my reality and i was happy to be there
but how i cope feels guilty, holding you in memory
remembering why nobody cries when anyone dies
seems wrong to grip you even in this light
so i’m glad that this isn’t what you look like
this isn’t what you look like
we’re still alive someplace in time
and nobody cries when anyone dies
"what's january?"
|
||||
30. |
goose
00:09
|
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