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goose

by samsaapple

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1.
your fingers are in mine you’ve decided it’s time been pretending it’s an accident for hours again pulling away push my eyes to stay on the youtube screen, the silly things for hours but now you’re holding tighter your nose is sitting closer it’s somehow gotten to be 5am am i shaking? think i’m shaking weird beginnings you kissed me tactfully beneath the eye and to the side you laid back, held onto me, and went to sleep what is this
2.
burpee 02:13
baby's breath is an awful name for a flower smells like vomit and the wrong kind of hot and sour and on a good day its okay but when the hell did one of those happen last whatever its not about the flower and it's not about the babies it's not about the nine-inch aphids or the 8 limbed rabid blacklist scabies though you should keep those of your babies probably cuz they'll get in their knees do whatever they please it's possible i'm taking you a weird direction right this way sir, mind the cat, he spits he spits a lot look out this window don't look at me please and i'll tell you why i keep up breathing it's for chasing squirrels and chasing geese and i wish there were magnolia trees here wish i had the strength of skin to finish up a thought i'm flailing around in i'm usually thinking about you by the way and did you know i kind of like you by the way oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit it's not about the flower and it's not about the babies no one gives a fuck for aphids but they do about the scabies i'd give a fuck too if i had the space or a bit of consent stripped off of god's good grace but it's all about chasing squirrels and chasing geese and i wish there were magnolia trees here mothefucker get your eyes back out the window or i'll put them out myself with the back claws off that cat wish i had the strength of skin to finish up a thought i'm flailing around in
3.
present him thine rib that he might craft thee a lady the price just isn’t right, this transaction looks shady to me i myself have cracked a rib, see, doing somersaults on a trampoline no godsend of a soulmate flowed from the marrow like a genie but i remember how breathing hurt, how i buckled over and that’s the start of the right track adam, pops, that’s how you’ll feel her first after i fell for this one felt the ocean in my blood take a new tide my fullness pulled, remagnetized you’ll know it when your vessels threaten retaliatory exsanguination for resisting the ride listen to your insides might not have had a pelvis for weeks in the pillow i find buried my teeth, i breathe by mysterious means, found my lungs clung, heaving around his name written clumsily in ink let’s not pretend he’s ever seen me with a head even once situated in each other’s arms i’m braindead it’s a state of being, it’s me, hello with open arms, i’m beating, exposed already pulled all the ribs apart all i know how to do is show off my pretty blue heart after i fell for this one felt a fire in the space behind my eyes shrieking phoenix, life revised you’ll know it when your muscles hasten to make a swift and shredding exit to take to the skies the old self dies adam think we must confront a disturbing fallacy that the substance of our being isn’t currency though i empathize for wanting to give viscerally the people we love might possibly need more from us than hurting there might be more to love than hurting
4.
sleepy geese 01:49
maybe now we’ll dream about each other at the same time hands held unconscious and breath on neck, exposed spines sleep, my goose sleep, my goose very soon i’ll blink, we’re not back at the same time i’ll look at you and wonder how anything’s this right breathe, my goose sleep my goose i miss your voice your thoughts your hands your rants wake up soon, god, boy you’re going by too fast
5.
pull out of bed to excessively butter bread we will never be dead you’re meticulous far and near focused so ridiculous you press go and lean back your chuckle makes my frown crack i laugh at the name spumwack is it alright that you’re all that’s ever made it better
6.
3 bears 00:56
3 bears waddle like they’re merry - o none of em little and all of em slow sleeves over heart and mind on toe nobody worries bout where they’ll go i want to see you on a day i haven’t done a thing to fill your eyes with a resenting filagree isn’t it the right time to be a woods bear with fir and pine fighting off the sun glare but somebody’s gotta feel it when it hits and you know i wear a matador’s scarf on my lips i love this shit spent up by the pleasantry of bees there’s nothing left of me i’m just three bears
7.
B 01:43
red water and all the beetlies in the world snuggle our swallowed goodbyes you fill the blue skies the grey ones too billow you away baby, do you even know anything about nothing at all baby, mark your height in chalk on the wall you’re just a few minutes tall
8.
i am evil 02:38
oo la la, are you scared yet boy ran a sample of my lining that explains why i think i make a good wife-type run for your life why you look so squeamish in your insides don’t you know all i want’s your whole life buck up you victim of an arrow fall don’t you know loving unconditionally is all there is there is an open box inside my heart where i keep letter openers and poison darts for playing with suicide oo la la why you look so squeamish in your insides don’t you know all i want’s your whole life buck up you victim of an arrow fall don’t you know you’re all there is
9.
now that’s a blankness that’s a prospect, isn’t it blinkwise its more or less sunny side bum wit says it’s a dim lit inklet of something of blah dee lala something it’s nothing if i can’t show you
10.
forgot to tell you forgot to say but you will be as you will be while i recede and fade away like sleeping or dissolving i don’t think anyone knows how low the axe came in may the frailty of mother and sons is all that kept it at bay baybay, what a weird name i’d never say it to your face what god pray might slip out then if ever your face was close to mine again i’d say you’re plenty a reason to tear my walls down and i need both of your hands on my spine right now you ate drugged ketchup in my dream don’t know you well as i’d prefer cuz you chased it down with gasoline but i think that’s what you were going for my left arm turned on a few days ago being living ambidextrously but got some glass in a toe so also kinda wobbly bleak belief, what’s in a vein slurring words around your name if a power’s horses and all it’s men got you here, the hell’d i say to you then i’d say you’re plenty a reason to tear my walls down and i need both of your hands on my spine right now come back for sips and have a go at opinions on the holy ghost someday i’m gonna be a ghost too not good as, but sooner than you and i’m not really sure but i think a wall’s down can i have both of my hands on your spine right now
11.
drunk nachos 00:28
do you think we'd be alright if we made drunk nachos? i think we'd be alright if we made drunk nachos.
12.
on the morning after finding out you weren’t only seeing me scraped the wine’s love off my tongue and made the last of your coffee can’t move can’t breathe broken wide can’t stop thinking about the sweetness of her voice and eyes don’t know what i want i love you still and how this feels i always will i said i’m not your dog i’m not your doll but i’m still panting when you call else cross-legged on a shelf side your other barbies know what i’d want if you said anything at all god i want it all i love you still and how this feels i always will on the morning after finding out that you wouldn’t stay with me scraped the wine’s love off my tongue and made the last of your coffee
13.
mom 02:34
self: uhm.. what's something really important that you've learned from mom? gav: that bugs are bad? self: bugs are not bad gav: bugs? self: bugs are great. gav: is this being like, filmed or something? self: dude try again gav: okay promised that i’d never get beat but messed that up when i was seventeen only said it to myself but still wanna tell my mom that i’m sorry gaige: she told me that -- not to aim a gun at someone when its loaded... and it doesn't matter -- doesn't matter if it's loaded or if it's on safety you never point a gun at someone. then saw the way my brother’s dad cheats and said, that’ll never happen to me well i lunge better than i think or learn probably self: don't get nervous! jayden: i am nervous! i don't know what to say self: no! it's okay jayden: she's nice, she's caring, she loves us, she loves you, she loves everyone around us even though she's not related to most of the people always thought i’d do better than this so i’m sorry mom just know that my brothers will be better this don’t worry mom, my brothers will be better self: what kind of person does she make you want to be when you grow up? gaige: a good one
14.
lily white intentions bled like syrup of dandelion cuts remember the meaning cuz no one else will when the white builds damp and benign the lost, the life dismembered hold it in bliss, you’ll miss feeling like this note to self
15.
psalms 139 01:24
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. 9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; 10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
16.
i miss you like it makes a difference births constellations nests a spot for us in heaven like ghosts miss toes my form mourns soul since you went gone it’s too easy to want and i do still want to move with you in more ways than one i miss you like it makes the world move like it can change the truth without violating you and your wants it’s too easy to want and i do i miss you
17.
18.
goosey sleep 00:26
19.
will you convert big dippers to armfuls, love how many thank you’s can be enough for your time on this weirdass planet we are so fleeting still convinced there’s sticky-footed mouses living in your ceiling we are grappling or i am, you're so weirdly secure swear it’s like you’ve been here before you’re the only ground i’ve not wanted to float away from remind me that your lunar iris isn’t harmful will you convert big dippers to armfuls
20.
stop me if you don’t like how this sounds but i think that you should tackle me now snicker sweat and choke, the timing’s good to tug on your hair and ask about your childhood don’t close off i’m being genuine, hey can we do more or less nothing today
21.
22.
laundry 01:12
23.
i hesitate to pick the words that spell it out why i’m irrepressibly in love with you guess it feels irreverent, wrong. material. easier to say i wish you were here, and i do. and i know that you’d want me to stop sticking to these guns you want other people and i need to move the fuck on but fuck that. maybe tomorrow i think that for a while there i was miscarrying our kid i don’t expect you to feel the same about it but for me it was hell, this bloody thing half the person i love telling me again and again for 16 days how dead it was how dead it was i’m sorry i can see your car across the street this is a sadistic proximity when has my skeleton ever not suffocated blue i can’t give you anything that you want, i just like you i just like you and i know that you’d want me to stop sticking to these guns you want other people and i need to move the fuck on but fuck that. maybe tomorrow
24.
gosling 00:28
25.
stab and stick me take out the bits and we’ll split it do me a solid in liquids and spongey intermediates did ever another offer their bodily tassels and baubles to store away or display in dimly lit mason jars i’ll dish out my navel, the biblically fabled, thrust skyward like it’s gonna project the mother-mcfucking bat-sign say, “here this is where the shovels go else peel it like an orange, told you already it’s your job to steer m’dear"
26.
skizzers 02:13
we were standing on your porch and you were smoking it was too dark to really see much but like, you’ve like got this nose and i don’t think you know it, but the way it connects to your mouth is it’s perfect but like you were just this shadow with like, this nose and all that and i was thinking, if i could like, stop time pull out my scissors and cut out your shape how no one else was ever gonna fit in that spot it was just completely you you’re the only one that can ever go there i’ve got your smell on my mind and i’m losing it why am i beside myself again yeah i hoped we had plans, but i know you feel bad makes me feel pretty bad too but i know you know that i’d break my own heart in a padded room so i just found, by accident, that note from when my brother was asleep and we were passing the phone back and forth and just, dude, where are you can i be there again can’t pull you back, you weren’t really happy i guess but god i dunno he’s not a bad person he just, i dunno he’s not very great at the life partner thing like i make really bad pancakes some things are just like that y’know?
27.
hey there’s that headstrong worm of a thought back in my head home sweet home as it were and all of that says psstt what if he is outside your door sweating to say he doesn’t know anymore why he ever doubted the feelings from before he says, hey, do you think we can try this again i know i smashed your heart-guts but you’re my best friend and i say boy it was nothing but a silly thing we awkwardly hug and the world doesn’t feel like spinning worm, get out of my head, you’re a damn disease elating me with pathetic cliche fantasies says psst crows and pigeons will rise like doves the unlikely underdogs mascot your love gray and black feathers smatter the clouds above and an entourage of the resurrected trail behind us like we were expected including coelacanths and george w. b. hostess pies and the power puff girls on tv worm, swear to god you don’t understand how likely it is he’s with her again or if not her then someone like us says psstt wait soon he’ll be at your door you won’t need me in your head anymore you’ll laugh that you ever doubted me before he says, hey, do you think we can try this again i know i smashed your heart-guts but you’re my best friend and i say boy it was nothing but a silly thing we awkwardly hug and the world won’t feel like spinning fucking worm. motherfucking worm. i know you don’t mean any harm, but…
28.
i had a falling dream today that no one could remember my name no one knew my history or face the terror withdrew soon as i thought it’d include you i appeared gasping at your door trying to tell you what i’m for we are all to blame going steadily insane still terrified of your eyes how are they so goddamn light cannot let myself lie have got to do this right say i’ve loved you for a year and you do not want me here i have never been your dear i would not blame you if you think that i’m insane does this at all resonate i’m going steadily insane does it seem that your feeling anything about me back to linoleum, fluorescent lights i am burning in the white the tears are feeding my feet back to the reality we are all to blame going steadily insane these bones they sound like fizzing think i might not be here really we are all to blame going steadily insane
29.
remember that book i read on your bed in early january stopped over and over to catch you up on the story was the one that had the aliens that lived in the fourth dimension i read you the part bout how nobody cried when anyone died because they’re still alive someplace else in time so nobody cries when anyone dies i try to draw you sometimes, it never comes out right this isn’t what you look like not a bit, and i couldn’t be happier about it this isn’t what you look like because i llke that you’re implacable, smoke through a net you’re not made to be something for someone to get so yeah i bitch about the losses and the happiness in ignorance but the truth is, was my reality and i was happy to be there but how i cope feels guilty, holding you in memory remembering why nobody cries when anyone dies seems wrong to grip you even in this light so i’m glad that this isn’t what you look like this isn’t what you look like we’re still alive someplace in time and nobody cries when anyone dies "what's january?"
30.
goose 00:09

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released April 21, 2015

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